I have put my writing skills to the test at writing an excerpt of a book in my head that I will never write. I have always wanted to write a book. But never tried. But maybe I will someday, but this is the best I have for now.
They finished what was supposed to be a quick fuck session between two strangers. It was more like a love-making session between two people who loved each other. But that wasn’t what she wanted it to be. She wanted it to be a quick fuck that involved no feelings whatsoever. She regrets doing this. She is ashamed of herself in the highest degree.
She sat on the edge of his bed. Her back facing the door. She lifts her head and notices the flickering light outside. She presses her shaking hands into the mattress and pushes herself up and walks towards the window. It was a foggy yet humid night, where it was too uncomfortable to be in clothes or under a heavy duvet. Yet it was alright for sex. So she was naked. Her unclothed body is like her heart at the moment. Bare and vulnerable.
She looks at the light flickering on and off, and thinks.
“Why am I doing this to myself?” She sighs, staying focused on the bright light.
Hooking up with guys she barely knew, just to satisfy her broken confidence, and to believe that guys really thought she was beautiful on the inside. Then it dawned on her. She was like that flickering light. She was alive but yet she was dying too. Little by little, every single day. Not physically but emotionally. She put her hand over the place where her heart is and felt it beating slow and steady. Was this what it would be like until she builds herself up? Would she be like that flickering light, just hanging on by the last bit of life it has until one day the wires that give the light life, die and never return again. Her heart was her source of life and one day, it will combust into tiny fragments and nothing and no one will be able to put her back together again. Her foolishness and lack of wanting to feel any emotions known to humans, will be the death of her heart.
She stares at her slight reflection in the window and shakes her head. Not allowing the sobs to escape her mouth that are building in her throat. She knew this was wrong. She is not this type of girl to be doing this. She is a damsel in distress, waiting to be saved by a guy. When in fact, she could save herself. She always knew how to save other damaged souls, but she had no idea how to save her own. She closed her eyes forcing the tears back. Do not cry right now! She thinks to herself. But the tears were like the ocean, deep with force. She tried to hold them back, but she couldn’t do it any longer. She had to cry right now. But she just swallowed really hard, and shut her eyes tight so the tears wouldn’t escape. She couldn’t cry here, not while someone she barely knew was in the room. Her fuck buddy for the night.
She heard him moan slightly in his sleep. She turns her head and sees the guy sleeping peacefully, while she couldn’t sleep herself. Wondering if she would. She took his white shirt off the floor and put it on over her shivering hot body. It smelt like him. A mix of cologne and sweat that will sure leave a memory to haunt her for the next few months. She wanted to take the shirt off, but she couldn’t. It felt safe. Like it was her security to settle her mind, that everything will be okay, and someday she will be the woman she always aspired to be.
She turned on her side looking right at his sleeping peaceful face. She smiles remembering the great sex they just had. His features were soft, doll-like even. His lips parted slightly, hot air hitting her hand as she puts her hand on his cheek and rubs it softly. He stirs softly causing her to jerk her hand back. She shouldn’t be doing this. She can’t get attached to another guy that only had one thing on his mind; sex. She wanted to wait for the right guy to have her heart.
She smiled to herself before closing her eyes to rest her mind and her heart.