Over the last week, I have thought about how people will never respect me for who I am. Yet they expect respect from me to accept who they are. Why should I respect people who don’t respect me? I have gone over this in my head and I have come to this conclusion.
Since the age of thirteen, I think it was. I was always being what my family wanted me to be. I was a copy of what they are. I did my utmost best to be that. I wanted them to love me for who I am, that I would do anything they wanted me to do and be someone I wasn’t. I was so desperate for my family’s approval that I would have done anything. I was their version of damaged goods, because whatever I did wasn’t good enough for them. I wasn’t good enough.
If I did things my way, I was the bad person and my attitude was bad. If I did not conform to who they wanted me to be, I was a bad person again. Stupidly, I went on with it. I allowed them to do that. It was an ongoing cycle of doing and being what they wanted me to be. They didn’t embrace me for who I am. In the back of my mind, I always knew the person I wanted to be. But I was afraid of being that person because I would lose my “family’s” approval of me. They told me I am being disrespectful because I want to be myself.
It wasn’t until the age of 20, that I said “Fuck it!” I couldn’t go on with this anymore. I didn’t want to be a carbon copy of everyone in my family who was so accustomed to being just like bad part of society. I didn’t want to be their paper doll anymore. I didn’t want to be so desperate for their love and approval. So I decided to allow myself to find the person I was pushing aside just to please my family.
It dawned on me recently that I really don’t need their approval to be myself. I don’t need approval to be a human. Someone that doesn’t need to look for love from people who don’t even love themselves. Why must I waste my time, being a person that they only love when it suits them? Did it make them feel good to make me feel small? Did it make them feel tall to push me down?
I finally saw what I was made of and let me tell you – It is the greatest feeling in the world. To be able to cut people out of your life that you don’t want to be around anymore. I am not even trying to get their validation nor do I need it anymore. I finally see the beauty in myself that they don’t accept or love. I found the confidence in myself to be myself. I found the light within to shine through me.
I wish I could tell every person in the world who are struggling and dimming their light to be who their family want them to be, that you don’t need to do that. Family should love you, accept you, and make you feel proud to be who you are. You are NOT damaged goods. You are perfect just the way you are. If you are around people who make you feel less than that, you need to let go and move forward in becoming the person you want to be.
I didn’t need to stay broken, just because my family broke me.
You are not somebody else’s opinion of you.
You are not going nowhere, just because you’re not where you want to be in your life.
You are not damaged goods, just because people say you are.
You are your own definition of beautiful and worthwhile.
You are YOU! Don’t let anyone try to change that.
So that concludes my post. I hope you enjoyed reading this life lesson I have learned in my life. I wanted to share this, because there may be someone out there who may be going through the same thing as I did.